When the going gets tough...

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

-Even If, by MercyMe

I almost decided not to write a blog post today. I thought, hey, even God rested on the seventh day, and I've written thirteen whole posts so far.

But then I thought, maybe I'll just tell you about my crazy week instead and why I almost didn't write a post today, and also why I decided to anyhow. So here goes.

I've been in a pretty tough place mentally. On Friday, it came to a head when I realized two hours too late that I totally forgot about a meeting with my supervisor while... let's just say, not working. I had been in a funk all day... really, all week. So I sent her an apology email and then went for a run. And while I was running, I cried a little bit. I mean, I was in public, but I figured people would just see my wet face and think I was just sweating from running. (And, if not, oh well, it was not the first time I've cried in public, and I betcha it won't be the last.)

I've been feeling overwhelmed. This week is insane.

Today, an abstract for the top conference in my field was due. This is now the fourth time I've submitted to it, and the eighth time I've submitted to other conferences of the same tier, and I still haven't got accepted to any of them. I've come so, so close--for the last one, the abstracts were rated on a scale from 3 to -3, and my three reviewers gave me a 3, a 2, and... a -2. I feel all this pressure to get into one of these top conferences because there's something like 1 academic job for every 5 people who graduate with a PhD in syntax, roughly, and this is one of the things they look at when they review job applications.

Both tomorrow and Thursday, I have to give a three-hour lecture to the summer class that I'm teaching. And, of course, those lectures have to be prepared, and it takes way more than three hours to prepare a three-hour lecture. I still haven't got tomorrow's done yet (it's like 90% done), and I haven't even started Thursday's. I haven't even read the reading it's based on in the past year. I'm not sure I can prepare an entire lecture in one day, but I guess I'll find out.

Then, this weekend, the annual meeting of the Canadian Linguistics Association is happening, followed immediately by another workshop celebrating a professor in our department who's retiring, and I'm presenting at both. What's worse, one of the presentations is a poster, which means I have to have it ready early enough to get it printed, which also requires two trips to the printer's and a good chunk of change.

Also it's my sister's birthday this week. And my fridge is empty so I need to fit a trip to the grocery story in there, too, somehow. 

So I'm a bit stressed, Logically, this is all doable, especially at the point last week when I started feeling overwhelmed, shut down, and began binge-watching Netflix. At other times in my life, I have been able to juggle such a crazy to do list, but apparently not now. Lately, my mood has been all over the place. I tear up in commercials, and at Christmastime I started crying because I felt like my family was interrupting me too much. At the time, it felt unbearable. These mood swings make me wonder if my thyroid level is off again. But guess what? The next available appointment with my doctor--who is only in one day a week--is on the day where my class overlaps with one of the conferences.

So if I have so much to do, and I'm feeling so overwhelmed, why am I writing this blog? Well, it's because I am feeling a lot better now, and I wanted to share with you how that began.

Things began to turn during that teary run on Friday. I usually choose upbeat music, but this time, I ran to worship music for the first time. And, while I ran, I prayed along with the music lyrics: You are the Lord, the Famous One, Famous One, Great is your name in all the Earth (Chris Tomlin, Famous One). I re-focused, and re-considered my priorities.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1b-3)

A line on my CV or a PhD is just ink on paper. I am confident that God wants me here in the PhD program (why I am so confident is a whole other blog post), and so I believe that His purpose for that will be fulfilled somehow, but I don't know what those purposes are. If it's only for the relationships I've developed and the people I've met, that would be enough.

And, despite the weird breath-thieving sob three quarters through my first lap, I had a really awesome run. It was my first non-interval run of the summer, and I ran fast (for me), and made it around 3.5 km in 20 minutes. I guess running away from your anxiety can really put a spring in your step!

Then I went to my friend Shayna's defence party. (She is the first person in my cohort to defend, which is both amazing and slightly terrifying.) And there, I cried again (yes, this is a recurring theme), but then I was surrounded by awesome people who told me that I'd be okay.

Saturday I managed to get that conference abstract in decent shape, which lifted a huge load off my back. (Thank you so much to Becky for giving me feedback on a draft!)

All of that helped, but it still felt like an uphill battle, until Sunday.

On Sunday at church, when people asked me how I was, I told them the truth. At least 3 people told me they'd pray for me, which meant so much. My friend Spencer prayed that I wouldn't feel stressed, but that I would do all I have to do with joy, to the best of my ability, to the glory of God. I went to two different services, and both sermons were about faith. In the morning service, the emphasis was on how we shouldn't do things on our own strength, but believe that God will carry us through if we are following His will.

And so, with my priorities re-focused, I pressed onward into the fray. Back to work!

"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and students stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will read and not grow weary,

    they will write and not be faint." 

(Isaiah 40:30-31, modified)